Rules, Agreements, and Boundaries: Why They Matter for Healthy Relationships.

Hi there! If you’ve ever been in a relationship—whether it’s with a partner, a friend, or a family member—you’ve probably heard people talk about rules, agreements, and boundaries, also referred to as limits.

These words get tossed around a lot in couples therapy and conversations about healthy relationships, but they’re often misunderstood or mixed up. Knowing the difference between rules, agreements, and boundaries can save you from unnecessary arguments, resentment, and hurt feelings.

So, let’s break down what each one really means, why setting boundaries in relationships can feel so hard, and how confusion around them can sometimes make people feel controlled.

What’s the difference between rules, agreements, and boundaries?

🔹 Rules in Relationships

Rules are usually set by one person, and they often sound like demands or ultimatums. Rules tell the other person what they can or cannot do, which can feel controlling and leave little room for conversation.

• Example of a Rule: “You're not allowed to go out with your friends without me.”

• What a rule is NOT: A respectful, mutual decision. Rules usually come from one person’s preferences without considering both partners' needs.

  
  

🔹 Agreements in Relationships

Agreements are decisions you make together. These can be the most impactful. They come from open, honest communication and are designed to support both people’s needs. Healthy agreements help couples feel like a team.

• Example of an Agreement: “We agree to check in with each other before making weekend plans so we can prioritize time together.”

• What an agreement is NOT: One person going along with something just to avoid conflict. Real agreements involve two people who both say yes, willingly.

  
  

🔹 Boundaries in Relationships

Boundaries are all about your own limits. A boundary is what you will or won’t participate in and how you’ll take care of yourself if those limits aren't respected. Boundaries aren’t about controlling the other person; they’re about protecting your own well-being.

• 👉 Example of a Boundary:“If you yell at me during an argument, I’m going to take a break and leave the room. I’m not available for conversations when I feel unsafe.”

• What a boundary is NOT:“You’re not allowed to yell at me.” (That’s a rule.)

Boundaries aren’t about controlling someone else’s behavior—they’re about taking ownership of your own actions and choices.

Why are boundaries so hard to set and keep?

If you struggle with how to set boundaries in a relationship, you're not alone. For many of us, boundaries can feel uncomfortable or even selfish. You might worry about upsetting your partner, being rejected, or being seen as “too much.”

A lot of us were raised to believe that setting limits is rude or unkind, especially if we grew up in environments where other people’s comfort was prioritized over our own.

But here’s the truth: Healthy boundaries make relationships stronger. Without them, resentment builds, communication suffers, and emotional safety disappears.

When boundaries, rules, and agreements get mixed up

Here’s a common example we see in marriage counseling and couples therapy:

Someone says, “You can’t talk to your ex anymore. That’s my boundary.”

But that’s actually a rule, because it’s about controlling the other person’s behavior.

A healthier boundary might sound like:"If you choose to stay in contact with your ex, I won’t feel comfortable staying in this relationship. That’s not something I’m okay with."

See the difference? One is about controlling the other person. The other is about taking care of yourself and making decisions based on what feels healthy and safe for you.

Impact of poor Agreements

In relationships, agreements are essential for maintaining harmony and understanding between partners. However, sometimes couples find themselves making poor agreements, often due to one partner minimizing their needs while the other swings between celebrating or fearing the commitment. This dynamic can create ambivalence as there is a lack of clarity of their feelings that complicates decision-making and healthy communication.

Poor agreements often arise when one partner minimizes their needs while the other pushes past their limits in an attempt to accommodate.

For example, one partner might want to open the relationship, saying, "I just want to hook up, but I won’t fall in love," while the other partner, unsure but wanting to please, agrees without fully considering their own feelings or boundaries. This creates a dynamic where one person’s needs are downplayed, while the other tries to push through their discomfort, resulting in a fragile agreement built on ambivalence and fear.

Ambivalence complicates these agreements, as both partners may have mixed emotions about the arrangement. One might feel excited about the possibilities, while the other harbors insecurities or fears of being hurt. Without clear limits and honest communication, these agreements often lead to resentment and unmet needs. Healthy relationships require both partners to first understand their needs and then express their true feelings, setting firm limits that ensure mutual, respectful, and sustainable agreements.

Why does this matter for healthy relationships?

When we confuse rules, agreements, and boundaries, it can cause a lot of frustration and disconnection. One person might feel controlled when the other person thought they were just protecting their own needs. Or you might feel hurt when an “agreement” wasn’t actually something you both truly wanted.

Clear communication around these differences is a game-changer for creating healthy, connected relationships.