Setting Boundaries Without Making Others Feel Controlled (and When to Just Sit with Discomfort)
- Celeste Carolin - LMFTA, ADHD-CCSP
- Mar 20
- 6 min read
Hey there! Let’s talk about something that Is often done incorrectly, boundaries. You might’ve heard that word tossed around on social media or in self-help books—but what does it really mean?
A boundary is basically a guideline or rule you create to protect your emotional, mental, and even physical space. Think of it like an invisible fence—it keeps you safe and tells others what’s okay and what’s not. Here’s the key point though: boundaries aren’t about controlling other people. They’re about deciding what you will do if someone crosses a line.
Today, I’ll share how you can set healthy boundaries (with consequences, if needed) in a way that doesn’t make your friends, family, or coworkers feel like you’re bossing them around. We’ll also cover when to sit in your own discomfort instead of throwing up a boundary. Plus, we’ll talk about why clear boundaries are especially helpful for folks who are neurodiverse—like those with ADHD or Autism. Ready? Let’s dive in!
Why Boundaries Aren’t About Control
Sometimes when people hear “boundary,” they imagine someone yelling, “Don’t do that!” But that’s not how it works. Boundaries exist so you can stay safe, supported, and respected. If someone crosses your boundary, you choose how you’ll respond. It’s not about making them do something; it’s about taking care of yourself.
Quick Example
Instead of: “Don’t text me after 10 p.m.!”
Try: “I really need my sleep, so I won’t be answering texts after 10 p.m.”
Notice how the second version is all about you? That’s the difference between controlling someone else’s actions (“Don’t text me!”) and setting your own boundary (“I won’t respond if you text me late”).
When to Use Boundaries vs. When to Sit with Discomfort
Not every uncomfortable moment calls for a firm boundary. Sometimes we need to stretch ourselves, learn new skills, or accept that healthy relationships can come with small compromises. So how do you know the difference?
Is It a Core Value Issue or a Temporary Discomfort?
Set a Boundary: If someone’s behavior or request violates your core values (like disrespect, dishonesty, or personal safety), it’s time for a boundary.
Sit with Discomfort: If the situation is just pushing you out of your comfort zone—like trying a new activity, speaking up in a meeting, or tackling a personal fear—you might try sticking it out to grow.
Do You Feel Drained or Energized?
Set a Boundary: If repeated interactions leave you emotionally exhausted, anxious, or resentful, you might be dealing with a boundary issue.
Sit with Discomfort: If you feel a bit nervous but also curious or excited (like before starting a new hobby), that could be healthy discomfort worth exploring.
Is It Recurring and Harmful?
Set a Boundary: If the same behavior keeps happening—like a friend or family member constantly criticizing or prying into private matters—and it’s impacting your well-being, that’s a boundary moment.
Sit with Discomfort: If it’s a one-time, mildly awkward moment or a routine life stress (like learning a new job skill), you might decide to push through.
Have You Tried Communicating Your Feelings First?
Set a Boundary: If you’ve repeatedly asked for a change and nothing’s improved, it may be time to follow through with a clear boundary.
Sit with Discomfort: If you haven’t given the other person a chance to adjust or collaborate, maybe start with an honest conversation before jumping to a boundary.
Key Takeaway
Boundaries help protect your emotional, mental, or physical well-being when it’s truly threatened or compromised. Healthy discomfort is about stepping outside your usual comfort zone to learn and grow. Knowing the difference is how you keep your relationships strong while also taking care of yourself.
Why Consequences Are Helpful to Communicate
“Consequences” might sound like you’re punishing someone, but in the world of boundaries, a consequence is just your action plan for what you will do if a boundary isn’t respected.
Why Stating Consequences Helps Everyone
Clarity: No one has to guess what will happen if the boundary is crossed.
Fair Warning: If someone forgets or tests the boundary, they know exactly what to expect.
Consistency: When you consistently follow through, others understand you mean what you say—which can boost trust in the relationship.
The Neurodiverse Angle: Why Clear Boundaries Help Folks with ADHD or Autism
Clarity is huge for everyone, but it can be especially important for people with ADHD or Autism. Here’s why:
Reduced Confusion
Subtle hints or nonverbal cues might be harder to pick up on for some neurodiverse individuals. Clear, direct communication helps them understand exactly where they stand.
Lower Anxiety
Uncertainty can cause anxiety. A well-defined boundary (and consequence) removes guesswork: “This is okay, this is not okay.”
Encourages Routine & Structure
Neurodiverse folks often appreciate predictability. Clear boundaries become part of a healthy structure that can make social interactions easier.
Strengthens Trust
Being honest and direct shows respect. It says, “I value you enough to tell you my needs plainly.”
Minimizes Unintentional Hurt
If someone has trouble reading social cues, straightforward boundaries help them avoid crossing lines they didn’t know existed.
Examples of Consequences You Can Set
Remember, a consequence isn’t a punishment—it’s a step you take to protect your well-being and reinforce your limits.
1. Limit Contact or Engagement
Family Example
Boundary: “I’m okay talking about our days, but I’m not comfortable sharing details about my love life.”
Consequence: If they keep digging, you end the conversation: “I’m not discussing this, so I’ll talk to you later.”
Friend Example
Boundary: “I prefer not to receive texts after 10 p.m.”
Consequence: If they text anyway, silence your phone and respond in the morning.
2. Withhold Help or Privileges
Work Example
Boundary: “I can help with extra projects until my plate is full.”
Consequence: If coworkers keep piling tasks on you, you respond, “Sorry, I can’t take this on right now.”
Friend Example
Boundary: “I’ll happily drive sometimes, but I’d appreciate it if we split gas or you drive occasionally too.”
Consequence: If they won’t pitch in, you can say no the next time they ask for a ride.
3. Leave the Situation
Romantic Relationship Example
Boundary: “I won’t stay in the conversation if you’re yelling or name-calling.”
Consequence: If it happens, calmly say, “I’m stepping away until we can talk calmly.”
Social Gathering Example
Boundary: “I’m uncomfortable around heavy drinking.”
Consequence: If it gets wild, you leave early.
4. Change Communication Methods
Family on Social Media
Boundary: “Please don’t post personal details about me.”
Consequence: If they do, you adjust your privacy settings or untag yourself from posts.
Work Example
Boundary: “Please keep work messages to my work email, not my personal phone.”
Consequence: If they text your personal phone, you respond via email or say, “Please email me about this.”
5. Step Away from Specific Topics
Close Friend Example
Boundary: “I get overwhelmed if we talk about this same issue nonstop. Let’s find a different solution or talk to a professional.”
Consequence: If they keep looping back, you might say, “I’m sorry, but I have to end this convo for now.”
6. Seek Outside Support or Intervention
Relationship Example
Boundary: “I will not tolerate verbal abuse.”
Consequence: If it continues, you might seek counseling or, if it escalates, contact authorities.
Workplace Example
Boundary: “Please don’t make personal, negative comments about me.”
Consequence: If they persist, escalate to HR or follow company policy.
7. Take a Break from the Relationship
Friendship Example
Boundary: “I need our hangouts to feel supportive. Constant criticism is too draining.”
Consequence: If they keep criticizing, you limit how often you see them or respond to texts.
Family Example
Boundary: “I need respectful language when we talk. If it becomes yelling or belittling, I’ll leave.”
Consequence: If it continues, you end the visit or hang up the phone.
Final Takeaways
Know Yourself:
If a situation truly violates your values or well-being, set a boundary. If it’s just a chance to grow, maybe sit with some healthy discomfort.
Be Clear & Consistent:
Make sure people understand your boundary and consequence. Consistency builds trust.
Focus on Your Actions:
Boundaries are about what you will do, not about forcing someone else to change.
Stay Calm & Kind:
You can be loving and firm at the same time.
Seek Support if Needed:
If boundary-setting feels scary, or you’re unsure whether to push through discomfort, consider talking to a therapist or trusted friend.
Remember, when it comes to neurodiverse partners or friends—like those with ADHD or Autism—clarity and consistency can be total game-changers. It removes guesswork and helps them respect your space without feeling judged.
By laying out your boundaries—and what you’ll do if they’re crossed—in a clear, respectful way, you make it easier for people to respect you and for you to respect yourself. You’ve got this!
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