How an Open Relationship Impacts Anxious, Avoidant, and Disorganized Attachment Styles.

Open relationships or ethical non-monogamy (ENM) mean different things to different people. For some folks, it opens a sense of possibility and breathing room. For others, they bring up emotions that have been sitting quietly in the background for years. Most of us end up somewhere in the middle, which is completely normal.

When I talk with clients who are exploring non-monogamy or opening up a relationship, attachment patterns almost always show up. Not because open relationships create new problems, but because they put a little more light on the ones already there. More moving pieces. More vulnerability. More chances for old fears to get stirred up.

Understanding Attachment Styles in Real Life

Attachment styles are not permanent labels. They are early relational habits we learned to survive the environments we grew up in. Some of those habits still help us, and some of them get in the way once relationships become more complex.

Here is a simple overview, kept straightforward:

• Anxious Attachment - Often worries about being left or forgotten. Example behavior: checking in a lot when a partner feels a bit distant.

• Avoidant Attachment - Needs space and independence to feel steady. Example behavior: getting quiet or pulling back when conversations turn emotional.

• Disorganized Attachment - Wants closeness but feels scared of it at the same time. Example behavior: reaching forward for connection and then suddenly retreating.

• Secure Attachment - Generally feels comfortable with both closeness and space. Example behavior: noticing conflict and addressing it without panic.

  
  

Most people are a blend, but stress tends to pull us toward one familiar pattern.

Not sure what your attachment style is? Here is a quiz to help.

Attachment Quiz

How Open Relationships Interact With Each Attachment Style

1. Anxious Attachment

People with anxious attachment often have a sensitive radar for emotional shifts. In an open relationship, that radar can get louder. Not because they are doing anything wrong, but because uncertainty touches the part of them that fears abandonment.

What it often looks like

• Feeling uneasy when a partner is excited about someone new

• Worrying about being replaced

• Wanting more reassurance

• Feeling thrown off by changes in plans or slower responses

  
  

What actually helps

Anxiously attached partners usually feel steadier when:

• Communication is predictable

• Reassurance is natural and not defensive

• There are check-ins before and after dates

• Agreements are grounded and not vague

  
  

They tend to do best when the relationship has a calm emotional rhythm they can rely on.

2. Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant partners often feel overwhelmed by emotional expectations. The openness of non-monogamy can feel easier to them. More space. Less pressure. But sometimes they also use that space to avoid vulnerability.

What it commonly looks like

• Pulling back when emotions rise

• Wanting more independence

• Feeling irritated by too many rules

• Struggling to engage when a partner wants to process

  
  

What helps them stay connected

Avoidantly attached partners usually open up more when:

• They are not pushed into emotional depth

• Conversations stay calm and direct

• They are given space without guilt

• Boundaries are respected

  
  

They do well when connection feels chosen instead of forced.

3. Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment can be the most tender pattern to navigate in non-monogamy. This style often comes from early inconsistent or traumatic relationships, which makes open dynamics more overwhelming.

What it often looks like

• Wanting closeness but fearing it

• Emotional swings

• Worrying about betrayal

• Feeling flooded and then shutting down

• Difficulty knowing which feelings to trust

  
  

What creates stability

What helps most is:

• slow pacing

• clarity instead of ambiguity

• transparency that is honest but not overwhelming

• reliable repair

• Co-regulation during intense moments

  
  

People with disorganized attachment can succeed in open relationships, but they usually need structure and consistency to feel grounded.

A Note on Monogamy, Polyamory, and How This Connects to Attachment

Monogamy isn’t the right fit for everyone, and neither is polyamory. Some people feel most secure in a one-to-one bond. Others naturally feel more themselves with multiple connections or a more flexible structure. This variation is normal. It’s not a commitment issue or automatically an attachment wound. It’s simply part of human difference.

Attachment patterns play into this in subtle ways. We often choose the structure that feels most compatible with how our nervous system searches for safety. For example, someone with anxious attachment might feel calmer with exclusivity, while another anxiously attached person might do well in non-monogamy if reassurance and communication are strong. Avoidant partners often appreciate the spaciousness of open relationships, though some prefer monogamy because it feels simpler. And people with disorganized attachment may feel conflicted in either structure until there is enough clarity and support to regulate the push-pull dynamic.

The main point is that attachment style does not determine whether you are naturally monogamous or polyamorous. But the two do influence each other. Your relationship orientation shapes the environment your attachment system works inside, and your attachment patterns shape what feels safe or overwhelming.

Knowing both pieces helps you choose a structure that fits who you are instead of trying to squeeze yourself into what you think you should want.

Who Thrives in an Open Relationship

People of any attachment style can do well in non-monogamy when:

• They can communicate needs clearly

• They can regulate their emotions or ask for help early

• Boundaries are respected

• Agreements are followed

• Repair happens after conflict

• Honesty stays intact

  
  

Attachment style is not destiny. Awareness and communication matter far more.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Opening a Relationship

A few grounding questions:

1. What part of me is drawn to this?

2. What emotions do I expect to feel?

3. What helps me regulate when things get big?

4. What agreements would help me feel stable?

5. Do I trust myself and my partner to repair after conflict?

6. Is the foundation strong enough to hold more complexity?

   
   

Final Thoughts

Open relationships are not easier or harder than monogamy. They simply stir up different things. When you understand your attachment patterns and your natural relational orientation, you can approach non-monogamy with more clarity and less self-blame.

You are not too anxious, too avoidant, or too complicated. You are a person with a history and a nervous system doing its best. That deserves compassion.