The 20 Conflict Styles Couples Use, Ranked from Worst to Best

If you’ve ever wondered why some arguments bring you closer while others leave you feeling miles apart, you're not alone. Every couple experiences conflict. The real question isn’t if you’ll have conflict, it’s how you handle it that matters.

As a marriage and family therapist, I see all kinds of ways couples handle disagreements. Some of these styles build closeness, while others quietly erode connection.

Most Harmful Conflict Styles

1. Contempt & Aggression

Example: "Oh, please. You're so pathetic. I can't believe I even have to explain this to you." or "You never do anything right! This is all your fault. Why don't you just shut up?"

Positive: Expresses strong emotions directly, which can bring hidden frustrations to the surface.

Negative: The most destructive conflict style, marked by mockery, sarcasm, insults, and verbal attacks. Contempt expresses superiority and disgust ("I'm better than you, and you're beneath me"), while aggression seeks to overpower and dominate ("You're the problem, and I'm going to crush you"). Both create fear, escalate conflict, and shut down meaningful connection.

Impact on the relationship: Strongly predicts divorce. Destroys emotional safety and trust, making your partner feel disrespected, emotionally attacked, and unsafe. Over time, contempt and aggression erode intimacy and replace it with resentment and distance.

2. Authoritarian (Controlling and Dominating)

Example: "We're doing it my way, and that's final."

Positive: Can provide clarity during emergencies.

Negative: Silences your partner and creates power imbalances.

Impact on the relationship: Builds resentment and damages emotional connection.

3. Demanding

Example: "Fix this right now, or I'm leaving."

Positive: Communicates urgency.

Negative: Creates pressure and defensiveness.

Impact on the relationship: Escalates conflict and damages cooperation.

4. Blaming

Example: "This is all your fault. You always mess things up."

Positive: Identifies problems clearly.

Negative: Focuses on fault over solutions.

Impact on the relationship: Turns conflict into a blame game instead of teamwork.

5. Passive-Aggressive

Example: "Wow, must be nice to relax while I do everything."

Positive: Avoids direct confrontation.

Negative: Breeds resentment and confusion.

Impact on the relationship: Erodes trust and creates distance.

6. Minimizing

Example: "You’re overreacting. It's not that big of a deal."

Positive: Can calm minor conflicts.

Negative: Invalidates your partner’s feelings.

Impact on the relationship: Makes your partner feel unseen.

7. Gunnysacking (All the things that have been building)

Example: "And another thing... and another thing!"

Positive: Releases pent-up feelings.

Negative: Overwhelms the conversation with unresolved issues.

Impact on the relationship: Makes conflicts feel endless and exhausting.

8. Testing

Example: "Let’s see if they even notice I’m upset."

Positive: Gauges attentiveness.

Negative: Leads to unmet needs and confusion.

Impact on the relationship: Builds frustration when unspoken needs go unmet.

9. Deflecting

Example: "Yeah, well, what about when you forgot our anniversary?"

Positive: Avoids uncomfortable topics.

Negative: Sidesteps real issues.

Impact on the relationship: Leaves important problems unresolved.

10. Stonewalling

Example:(Crosses arms, stays silent, avoids eye contact.)

Positive: Provides temporary emotional space.

Negative: Shuts down connection and leaves the partner feeling abandoned.

Impact on the relationship: Creates emotional distance and disconnection.

Mixed Impact Conflict Styles

11. Over-Apologizing

Example: "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"

Positive: Quickly reduces tension.

Negative: Sacrifices your own needs.

Impact on the relationship: Builds resentment and self-neglect over time.

12. Competitive

Example: "Oh, please. My day was way harder than yours."

Positive: Pushes for validation.

Negative: Makes partners feel like rivals.

Impact on the relationship: Undermines teamwork and connection.

13. Accommodating/Placating

Example: "Sure, let's do whatever you want." (Even if you feel frustrated or disappointed.)

Positive: Keeps the peace temporarily.

Negative: Suppresses your needs and leads to imbalance.

Impact on the relationship: Over time, creates disconnection and resentment.

14. Withdrawing

Example:(Leaves the room mid-argument without explanation.)

Positive: Prevents escalation.

Negative: Avoids resolving the actual problem.

Impact on the relationship: Leaves the other partner feeling ignored.

15. Scorekeeping

Example: "I've apologized way more times than you ever have." or"I always have to be the bigger person."

Positive: Acknowledges patterns of imbalance.

Negative: Focuses on who's "winning" or "losing" instead of repairing the relationship.

Impact on the relationship: Shifts the focus from connection to competition. Builds resentment and keeps conflict unresolved by tallying emotional debts rather than healing them.

16. The Ledger

Example: "I did the dishes. You owe me dinner."

Positive: Helps balance responsibilities.

Negative: Turns love into transactions.

Impact on the relationship: Quietly builds resentment.

17. Humor/Playfulness

Example:(Makes a joke to break the tension.)

Positive: Lightens the mood.

Negative: Can minimize real feelings if overused.

Impact on the relationship: Keeps things light but risks avoiding real issues.

Healthiest Conflict Styles

18. Negotiation

Example: "You pick the restaurant, and I'll pick the movie."

Positive: Balances needs through compromise.

Negative: Can feel transactional if it becomes routine.

Impact on the relationship: Helps maintain fairness but may miss deeper needs.

19. Problem-Solving

Example: "We're both overwhelmed. What can we change?"

Positive: Focuses on solutions.

Negative: May skip over emotional needs if rushed.

Impact on the relationship: Builds teamwork but works best when paired with empathy.

20. Collaboration (Working Together as a Team)

Example: "We both have strong opinions, let's find a solution that works for both of us."

Positive: Builds emotional connection, creativity, and long-term satisfaction.

Negative: Takes time, patience, and emotional vulnerability.

Impact on the relationship: Creates deep trust and lasting partnership.

What makes collaboration different: Unlike problem-solving, which focuses on quick fixes, and negotiation, which involves trade-offs, collaboration digs deeper and often requires differentiation. It's about understanding each other's values, feelings, and needs to create a solution that truly works for both people. It's not just about solving a problem; it's about protecting the relationship while doing it.

Final Thoughts

If you see yourself using some of the conflict styles toward the top of the list, you’re not alone. We all fall into unhelpful patterns sometimes, especially when we’re stressed. But with the right tools and support, you can shift toward healthier conflict styles that strengthen your relationship and make it more connected.