The Hidden Cost of People-Pleasing in Relationships.

Updated: May 26

In any relationship, open communication and mutual respect are essential for a healthy dynamic. But for some people, saying "yes" or "no" can feel like a huge challenge. They may prioritize their partner’s needs over their own, constantly trying to keep the peace and avoid conflict. This pattern often leads to stress, frustration, and imbalance in the relationship. If this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with people-pleasing behaviors that are taking a toll on your emotional well-being.

In therapy, we often work with individuals who struggle with boundaries, expressing their true needs, or saying "no." Instead of being honest about their own desires, they placate their partner—agreeing to things they don’t really want or need. Over time, this can lead to feelings of resentment, emotional exhaustion, and frustration, all of which affect the relationship.

Let’s take a closer look at how this dynamic works, how it affects both partners, and how it impacts relationship agreements.

The Costs of Placating

Placating, or people-pleasing, may seem harmless in the short term but can have serious long-term effects:

Unspoken Resentment: Constantly putting others’ needs before your own can lead to feelings of being taken for granted, creating resentment that slowly builds over time.
Loss of Self-Identity: People-pleasers may lose touch with their own wants and needs, leading to a lack of self-identity and emotional disconnection.
Inauthentic Communication: Healthy communication relies on honesty and vulnerability. But when placating is involved, communication becomes less honest. The pleaser agrees to everything to avoid confrontation, preventing emotional intimacy from developing.
Unresolved Conflict: Avoiding conflict and not expressing true needs leaves important issues unaddressed, preventing both partners from growing together.
Overgiving and Expecting the Same: People-pleasers often overgive without expressing their needs, leading to unspoken expectations and frustration when those expectations aren’t met.

How People-Pleasing Affects Relationship Agreements

Healthy relationships rely on clear agreements and mutual respect. People-pleasing behaviors disrupt these agreements in several ways:

Unclear Expectations: Pleasing behaviors make it difficult to establish clear, honest expectations. Saying "yes" out of guilt or fear can create confusion and lead to mismatched needs.
Resentment from Unmet Needs: When the pleaser overgives without communicating their needs, it causes resentment. One partner feels drained, while the other feels blindsided by unspoken expectations.
Avoidance of Difficult Conversations: People-pleasers often avoid discussing issues or setting boundaries. This avoidance can leave important relationship matters unaddressed, causing long-term misunderstandings.
Overburdening the Other Partner: One partner may feel emotionally drained by constantly accommodating the other. This leads to an imbalance, with one person feeling overwhelmed and the other feeling guilty for not reciprocating.
Failure to Set Healthy Boundaries: People-pleasers struggle to say "no," which prevents the establishment of healthy boundaries. Both partners may feel uncomfortable or taken advantage of as a result.

The ADHD Partner's Experience: Feeling Like "I'm Not Enough"

In relationships where one partner has ADHD, the ADHD partner may often feel like they are not doing enough or are failing in some way. This can create added pressure to please their partner, as they may already feel insecure or inadequate due to their struggles with focus, motivation, or organization.

For the ADHD partner, the feeling of being "not enough" can be a significant driver behind people-pleasing tendencies. They may worry that their lack of consistency or ability to meet expectations will lead to rejection, so they overcompensate by trying to please their partner even more. This can cause them to suppress their own needs or ignore their own emotional needs, believing that if they don’t "keep up" or "do enough," they might lose their partner’s approval or affection.

This dynamic adds an extra layer of complexity to the relationship. The ADHD partner feels insecure, while the overfunctioning partner may take on more and more responsibility, further reinforcing the imbalance and feelings of inadequacy in the ADHD partner.

The Impact on the Non-Pleasing Partner

While the person who is people-pleasing may struggle with suppressed needs and unspoken resentment, the partner who isn't people-pleasing also feels the effects. They may not be actively suppressing their own needs, but the imbalance in the relationship still impacts them.

Confusion and Guilt: The non-pleasing partner may feel confused or guilty when their partner doesn’t express their true needs. They might assume everything is fine, unaware that the pleaser is overwhelmed.
Emotional Distance: The pleaser’s constant giving without being emotionally present can create distance. The non-pleasing partner may feel disconnected despite the outwardly stable relationship.
Frustration and Burnout: The non-pleasing partner might feel burdened, having to pick up emotional or practical responsibilities, leading to frustration and burnout.
Stagnation in the Relationship: If both partners aren’t truly engaging with each other’s needs, the relationship may feel stagnant, preventing growth and mutual satisfaction.
Being Accused of Selfishness: The non-pleasing partner may be accused of being selfish or narcissistic when they try to set boundaries or express their own needs, especially if the pleaser is used to suppressing their own needs to keep the peace. This can cause the non-pleasing partner to feel misunderstood or blamed for not “giving enough” or for being too focused on their own needs, when in fact they are simply trying to create a healthier, more balanced dynamic.

Why Does This Happen?

People-pleasing often stems from deeper emotional patterns:

Fear of Rejection: People-pleasers often avoid conflict because they fear being rejected or abandoned if they assert their own needs.
Low Self-Worth: A need for external validation can drive people-pleasers to over-give, neglecting their own needs to feel accepted.
Childhood Conditioning: Many people learn to please others from a young age, especially if they grew up in environments where love and approval were conditional.
Perfectionism: People-pleasers may feel they must always meet high standards, leading to overcompensating in relationships.

These patterns are often learned over time and can become automatic in adulthood, especially in romantic relationships.

The Impact on the Couple Dynamic

People-pleasing creates a power imbalance in relationships. The pleaser suppresses their needs to keep the peace, which makes the relationship feel one-sided. This dynamic leads to emotional disconnection and a lack of mutual respect.

Lack of Choice and Control: People-pleasing can leave both partners feeling like they lack control over the relationship. The pleaser suppresses their desires to maintain harmony, which can lead to frustration and emotional exhaustion.

How to Change People-Pleasing in Your Relationship

If you recognize these patterns in your relationship, here are steps to break free from people-pleasing behaviors:

Reflect on Your Emotions: Recognize when you feel the urge to placate. Are you trying to avoid conflict or feeling guilty about saying "no"? Understanding the emotions behind your behaviors is the first step toward change.
Understand the Fear of Rejection: People-pleasing often stems from a fear of rejection. Identifying this fear helps you work through it and start advocating for your own needs.
Examine Boundaries: Identify areas where your boundaries are weak. Practice setting small, clear boundaries to build confidence in saying "no."
Challenge Negative Beliefs: People-pleasing often comes from the belief that your needs are less important. Remind yourself that your feelings and desires matter just as much as anyone else’s.
Practice Self-Compassion: People-pleasers often neglect their own emotional needs. Be kind to yourself and recognize that self-care is necessary for a healthy relationship.
Seek Support: If you’re struggling to change these behaviors, talking to a therapist or trusted friend can help provide clarity and support.
Communicate Openly: Share your feelings with your partner about your people-pleasing tendencies. Open, honest communication will help create a more balanced and understanding dynamic.

Moving Forward

People-pleasing behaviors often point to deeper emotional needs that need addressing. By exploring these behaviors and understanding their roots, you can shift the dynamic in your relationship. Healthy relationships thrive when both partners feel free to express their authentic selves.

By taking steps to address these behaviors, you can move toward a more balanced, fulfilling relationship where both partners feel heard, valued, and respected.