Sideways Communication: How Couples Avoid Hard Conversations (and Why It Makes Things Worse)
- Celeste Carolin - LMFTA, ADHD-CCSP
- 6 days ago
- 4 min read
Sideways communication is one of the most common reasons couples feel disconnected, stuck, or caught in the same arguments without resolution.
If you’re in a relationship, chances are you’ve had a moment where something mattered to you, but you didn’t quite know how to say it. Or you knew what you wanted to say, but you worried about how it would land.
In my work with couples, I hear things like:
“I didn’t want to start a fight.”“I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.”“I figured they’d understand what I meant.”
So instead of saying the hard thing directly, it comes out sideways.
In couples, sideways communication often shows up as sarcasm, tone shifts, deflecting, joking, silence, or emotional distance. One partner senses something is wrong. The other feels confused or blamed without knowing why. Both leave the conversation feeling more alone.
For couples where one or both partners are ADHD or neurodivergent, this pattern can be even more common. Emotional intensity can rise fast. Words don’t always organize themselves under pressure. Avoiding the conversation can feel easier than risking another misunderstanding. The problem is that while sideways communication can reduce tension in the moment, it almost always creates more distance over time.
What is sideways communication in relationships?
Sideways communication is an indirect expression.
A feeling, need, or boundary doesn’t get named clearly, but it still leaks out. Through tone. Through behavior. Through what isn’t said.
The underlying message is often simple:
“I’m hurt.”
“I need more from you.”
“This doesn’t feel okay.”
“I’m afraid of how this conversation might go.”
Instead of being spoken directly, the conversation circles around it.
Why couples use sideways communication
People don’t avoid direct communication because they don’t care. They avoid it because, at some point, being direct didn’t feel safe.
Maybe it led to a fight. Maybe it was minimized. Maybe it created days of tension.
The nervous system learns quickly. Let’s not do that again.
For many couples, sideways communication becomes a way to protect the relationship, even though it slowly undermines it.
For ADHD and neurodivergent partners, there’s often an added layer of overwhelm. Thoughts may come all at once or not at all. Emotions spike before words catch up. Avoidance can feel regulating, even when it creates longer-term problems.
Common forms of sideways communication in couples
Tone, silence, and body language
Sighs. Short answers. Emotional withdrawal.
“It’s fine.”“Do whatever you want.”
The message is felt, but never clarified.
Sarcasm or humor
Jokes soften the edge, but they also hide the point.
“Must be nice to have that much free time.”“I guess I’ll just do it myself.”
If the partner reacts, it’s easy to retreat with “I was just joking,” and the real feeling stays unspoken.
Deflecting when conversations get uncomfortable
Deflecting happens when emotional closeness starts to feel overwhelming.
The subject changes. The feeling gets minimized. Logic replaces emotion.
“You’re overthinking this.”“Let’s not make this a big deal.”
Often, this isn’t about not caring. It’s about not knowing how to stay present without things spiraling.
Staying in details instead of feelings
Some couples get stuck debating facts instead of talking about impact.
Who said what. When it happened . What was technically accurate.
Facts feel safer than feelings, especially for people who learned emotions needed proof to be valid.
Talking to everyone except your partner
The concern goes to friends, family, or group chats, but not to the person who can actually respond. This may feel safer, but it usually increases distance over time.
Protest behaviors
When needs don’t get spoken, they show up behaviorally.
Pulling away. Irritability. Withholding affection. Being suddenly unavailable.
The message underneath is often, I need something from you and I don’t know how to ask.
Hinting instead of asking
Dropping clues and hoping your partner connects the dots.
“Other couples seem closer than we are.”“I just wish someone would notice.”
Hints rely on mind-reading. Most partners miss them.
Why sideways communication damages connection
Sideways communication keeps couples stuck.
One partner feels blamed but confused. The other feels unseen and resentful. The same issues resurface again and again. Over time, trust erodes quietly. Not because there isn’t love, but because clarity never arrives.
What direct communication looks like in real couples
Direct communication doesn’t require perfect words or emotional calm.
It usually sounds like:
“I’m feeling disconnected and I don’t want to be.”
“I’m hurt, and I don’t have all the words yet.”
“This matters to me, even though it’s uncomfortable.”
For ADHD and neurodivergent partners, direct communication works best when it’s short, concrete, emotion-first, and allowed to be imperfect.
A small shift that helps
Before speaking, ask yourself:
What am I hoping my partner understands without me actually saying it?
That’s usually the sentence that needs to be spoken.
Not louder. Not longer. Just clearer.
Sideways communication isn’t a sign that your relationship is broken. It’s often a sign that something important hasn’t felt safe to name yet. Learning to speak more directly isn’t about forcing honesty. It’s about building enough safety to risk being known.
And that’s work couples can learn to do together.
Couples Worksheet:
Step 1: Notice your pattern
Think about a recent moment of tension.
☐ I used sarcasm or humor☐ I went quiet or withdrew☐ I changed the subject☐ I focused on details instead of feelings☐ I hinted instead of asking☐ I talked to someone else instead of my partner
Step 2: Name what was underneath
Complete one or two sentences:
“What I was actually feeling was: ____________________”
“What I needed or wanted was: ____________________”
(No fixing yet. Just naming.)
Step 3: Identify the fear
Finish this sentence honestly:
“I didn’t say this directly because I was afraid that ____________________.”
Step 4: Practice saying it clearly
Rewrite the message in a simple, direct way:
“When __________ happened, I felt __________, and what I need is __________.”
Keep it short. One sentence is enough.
Step 5: Reflect together
Each partner answers:
What was it like to hear this directly?
What helped the conversation feel safer?
What made it harder?
Gentle reminder
Direct communication doesn’t have to be perfect to be effective. It just has to be honest enough to be understood.



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